15: ABSOLUTE VERY FIRST TIME...NATIONAL LAMPOON'S ANIMAL HOUSE

The absolute very first time I watched Animal House was probably not when it first came out in the UK in 1979. In the previous year, my cinematic journey had taken me from Abba: The Movie to Grease so I doubt I was quite ready for John Belushi by the following spring. Also, I was still 13 yrs old and, at that age, no doubt thought that the Germans really did bomb Pearl Harbour and a toga party was something I would read about at school in my 'Caecilius est in horto' Latin primer.

The boy who eventually watched Animal House a couple of years later though had, in his own 15 year old mind at least, grown up to be a man. Not only had I moved up to the senior school by then but I had also officially become a ‘sex person’…..not because I had actually had sex but because Adam Ant had graciously conferred this title on me in 1980 as a thank you for listening to his Antmusic.

Having Grease and Animal House – in many ways, its complete antithesis – as my favourite films shows the difference between 13/14 and 15/16 year olds. I’d just left primary school when I watched Grease and it laid out a future beyond school, a future of romance, true love and the girl I would spend the rest of my life with. Animal House was when I’d entered senior school and so, by then, my aim when I left was simply to have sex with anything that moved.

The language of the film entered the lexicon of our daily lives and whole conversations at school were made up of quotes from our favourite films and TV shows at the time. A prize (ok, a virtual pat on the back) for guessing where they all come from. Answers at the bottom of the page.....but no skipping to the end to cheat.

1. "A hickie from Kenickie is like a Hallmark card." "Really? Would you like to rub my tits too?"

2. "She looks too pure to be pink." "Who? You haven't got a sister, you're the classic example of an only child."

3. "Can you guess what I am now?" "A dead parrot" "You're cruisin for a bruisin, you toilet."

4. "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son". "Tell me about it, stud, but don't mention the war". "Why? We're on a mission from God."

I'm reasonably self-aware (for a bloke) so I assume it’s blindingly obvious that I made up all that school banter nonsense just so I could write down a few old quotes I happened to remember. Sad. Really, really sad.

“Dead Ants” became a recognised shout on the dance floor at our parties. Well, I say ‘recognised’ but initially we didn’t have a clue what Belushi had actually shouted so tended simply to roar something unintelligible which fitted the metre and most people would understand the implications. It was only later that we discovered the cry was ‘dead ants’ and this was the agreed set of words at both school (at the Riverside nightclub) and college (throwing some shapes to DJ Vince's Orgasmagroove) to signal a directive to the dancing throng to fling themselves to the ground and writhe on the floor.

For 40 years, I’ve struggled with this concept of ‘dead ants’ writhing around. They’re dead after all. Perhaps ‘struggled for 40 years’ gives a slightly misleading impression because it’s taken me only 5 minutes on google to work out that the shout is actually ‘gator’ (ie the reptile) which even I have to concede doesn't sound too much like the phrase I stubbornly believed for 40 years to be my favourite John Belushi line.

I’m genuinely a bit shocked by this – I feel like the Sheriff in Jaws at his "you're going to need a bigger boat" moment (click here). I now wonder if all my college chums back in the day, whenever I let out that crisp rallying cry of 'dead ants' on the dancefloor (something I would do annoyingly often, regardless of which song was playing), would turn to each other and wearily mutter "he means gator, the twat, but let's humour him and go along with it anyway".

In an homage to Animal House, I tried starting a food fight at school. However, seconds after my bread roll sailed through the air towards its intended target (probably James W), Mary the dinner lady slammed her pot of lumpy mashed potato onto the counter and the fight was over before it even began. You didn't mess with Mary the dinner lady and you never told her that her mashed potato was lumpy.

I had more success with toga parties. My first one didn't come along until I got to college but it sticks in the memory thanks to Fiona’s unusual but highly effective method of checking the authenticity of your underwear-free toga outfit at the door before she’d let you in.

I also remember a road trip at school - an absolute classic lads booze cruise to Skegness - and I recently decided to share the debauched details with my children. Sod this 'what goes on tour stays on tour' nonsense - I was desperate to prove that I hadn’t always been as boring as they seemed to think. Sadly, I simply managed to reinforce all their prejudices because I genuinely couldn't recall a single moment of the trip. Even my suggestion to them that it must have been crazy because I was clearly too drunk to remember any of it was met with a wall of indifference as it was pointed out that this is exactly what happens to me now after a night watching old Top of the Pops re-runs on TV. I'd show them how I used to do the 'gator' if I didn't think it would wreck my back.

Answers:

1. Grease/Not The Nine O'Clock News (easy)

2. Grease/Young Ones (fairly easy)

3. Animal House/Monty Python/Grease/Sweeney (ridiculously over-contrived)

4. Animal House/Grease/Fawlty Towers/Blues Brothers (absolute nonsense)

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Next: ABSOLUTE VERY FIRST TIME......EUROVISION