The absolute very first time I saw Wacky Races would’ve been the early 70s I guess. It wasn’t a series which you followed with bated breath. It just seemed to be on telly all the time when I was younger. Do you know how many episodes there were? Seventeen. Yep, one seven. I wouldn't say the format was formulaic but we must’ve watched them over & over again without realising it. It's all relative though - Roadrunner was simply the same episode repeated 40-odd times.
I’ve banged on previously how fantastic cartoon theme tunes were in the old days but I hardly remember the Wacky Races one at all. I’ve found a Peugeot advert which used it along with live action versions of the characters. Not sure if I like the idea but have a look/listen and see what you think (here).
There were 2 races per episode and 11 cars with the top 3 shown on the podium at the end. I always thought Penelope Pitstop was the most successful contestant but apparently the Slag Brothers (oh how I wish I knew the cavemen were called that when I was younger) had the most podium finishes. Dick Dastardly & Muttley, predictably, were the only drivers never to win it. They did actually come first once but were denied the victory we were all secretly craving by a slow-motion replay which saw our initial euphoria snuffed out in the cruellest of fashion….sound familiar, football fans?
Here’s a rundown of the runners and riders:
00 Mean Machine – Dick Dastardly and Muttley in a car which looked suspiciously like a rip-off of the Batmobile. These 2 were the stand-out stars of the show who, like the lead singers of the best bands (Sting, Annie Lennox, and, er, Limahl), were always destined to go solo and get their own series. They clearly had the fastest car and always took an early lead but then made the schoolboy error of stopping to sabotage their competitors. Why on earth didn't they just drive on at a leisurely pace and win the race?! Drat and double drat.
01 Boulder Mobile – The Slag Brothers aka Rock & Gravel. They sounded like that drunken Paul Whitehouse character who speaks a load of gibberish punctuated by the odd coherent expression. Suffering a breakdown in the mountains, it always seemed an advantage to be driving a car made out of rocks given the ready availability of spare parts on offer. I loved them hitting each other over the heads with clubs. I just find gratuitous violence funny sometimes.
02 Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome. This is what my mum used to call me and any friend I invited round. They never came back twice. A Munsters-style spooky vehicle complete with permanent raincloud and dragon in the bell tower (bats, yes, but dragons?). I always had a soft spot for these 2. They barely won though, possibly as a direct result.
03 Convert-a-car – Professor Pat Pending – an inventor who was more like a magician with a boat-like car which could mutate into various other vehicles (and you wondered where the idea for Transformers came from?). I always felt he didn’t look much like a Pat. The only one I knew though was Irish and played in goal for Spurs so perhaps I wasn’t the best judge.
04 Crimson Haybaler – Red Max. Missed out on the baddie role with only himself to blame - you need a proper villain name like Dick Dastardly or Sylvester 'Hooded Claw' Sneekly and 'Red Max' simply wasn't going to cut the mustard. As a result, he hardly ever appeared in the show. In fact, I had to re-watch a couple of episodes to prove to myself he even existed. He had a plane but, for some inexplicable reason, raced on the road which rather blunted his competitive advantage. Absolute muppet....and, if I had to narrow it down, probably the Swedish chef.
05 Compact Pussycat (really??) – Penelope Pitstop. This was in the pre-Hooded Claw days ("hel-up, hel-up, it's the Hooded Clor-wer" which, after binge-watching numerous episodes on Youtube, I'm pretty sure she never actually said) and well before Frankie Goes to Hollywood promised to protect us from him (er, why? It was a beautiful Xmas ballad not a novelty song). She seemed more interested in her make-up than the race – an odd concern in the middle of an endurance rally - and was my first schoolboy crush, sandwiched between Looby Loo and the toon with the big tits in Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
06 Army Surplus Special – Sergeant Blast & Private Meekley in their tank. I didn’t actually know what ‘army surplus’ meant in my younger days but I assumed the US military was full and these 2 couldn’t get in. Not my favourites and the fact they were the least successful racers bar DD&M suggests I wasn't alone. The only soldiers I'd come across were on Dad's Army or in my Action Man collection so I didn't have many positive role models to draw from.
07 Bulletproof Bomb – The Ant Hill Mob. These lot were small and needed a shave. They were a strange take on the Seven Dwarves with Penelope as their Snow White damsel in distress. I always enjoyed them sticking their feet through the bottom of the chassis when their motor packed up.
08 Arkansas Chuggabug – Lazy Luke & Blubber Bear (who looked like a Yogi rip-off). I wasn't a big fan of hillbillies (and I hadn't even watched Deliverance by then) but I grew fonder of them once I'd been introduced to Daisy Dook off Dukes of Hazzard. I quite liked the old guy using his bare feet to steer and I vaguely remember a squirrel in the engine. Either that or the space dust I was liberally consuming at the time was far more hallucinogenic than I thought.
09 Turbo Terrific – Peter Perfect – I remembered him as being a bit full of himself but he was actually just the perfect gentleman (a bit like Harry Enfield’s Tim ‘Nice but Dim’), full of chivalrous gestures which tended to backfire. He definitely wanted to shag ‘Pretty Penny’ so he was obviously a sex pest and, effectively, my rival. I loved it when he lost.
10 Buzz Wagon – Rufus Ruffcut & Sawtooth, a lumberjack & beaver combination and the man/beast counterpart to DD&M but without the same chemistry (the beaver didn't even snigger). Rufus looked like Desperate Dan off the Dandy and, if he had the same love for meaty pies, I suspect his chubby-cheeked little companion was living on borrowed time
So, they you are. I know I said at the beginning that this wasn't a series which you avidly looked forward to but, watching some old episodes again, I was surprised how well I knew the characters and how much I liked them. One in particular. When I was young, I always wondered what Penelope Pitstop would look like in her bra and pants and I'd get a tingly feeling as a result. Come to think of it, it's crossed my mind quite a few times since over the years with a very similar result. I've even got a picture of her tucked away in my underpants drawer....at least I did until my wife found it recently. Curses, foiled again.
Next: ABSOLUTE VERY FIRST TIME......DOCTOR WHO
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